An Addiction Story

I came to today’s service, alone, as my wife had to be someplace else. I didn’t know if I was going to go since these mornings I normally end of sitting by myself, but I came anyway. I knew what the message was going to be, and hoped I could hear it and move on. God had other plans.

For the past, I don’t know, 10 plus years I’ve been fighting an addiction to pornography. I’ve heard the messages, I’ve gone to counselors, I’ve gone to support groups, I’ve taken classes, I’ve prayed so hard. I tried to become clean before I married, to go in pure for her. I couldn’t do it.

I’d been dating my wife for four years and could not break this addiction. We were never sexually active, but I ended up cheating on her, twice. And still she forgave me and God only knows why she said yes when I asked her to marry me. Even then I couldn’t break the addiction. She continues to stay with her worthless husband. I know unconditional love, Gods love, because of her.

A year and a half later, and as I sit here writing this, I have this shame so hard, as I still haven’t been able to get rid of this addiction. We are in Christian marriage counseling, and I go to a support group when I’m not working one of my two jobs. I try to read scripture, I pray every day, and still come up short, having just given into porn the day before.

I don’t know. Sometimes I just wish I could give up, lose everything, and it would be easier. But I don’t want that. God doesn’t want that. So I keep fighting. The band For King and Country released their latest not too long ago, and I really reflect through music with God. And these songs “Fight On Fighter” “Burn The Ships” “Joy” “God Only Knows” “Never Give Up” are what I use to keep God telling me to never give up!

I can do this, I can win, because I’ve got God on my side. I’m reading a book, to lead our small group in prayer, and there’s a section on praying for your temptations and struggles. I keep fighting in prayer. This struggle, this temptation is something I want to do. But I want God more and let him know that only He can take me out. Though I know this thorn in my side probably won’t be gone tomorrow, though I know it could, I want to pray that I never give up. I pray that I “burn the ships, cut the ties, send a flare into the night, say a prayer, turn the tide and just wave goodbye.”

I am so grateful for the teaching I hear at Whitewater. It is always a joy to hear and I am always challenged. Thank you for wisdom, strength and leadership you all show.

God bless. And never give up!

“For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. Jer. 29:11